Saturday, March 29, 2008

Food Network

The Food Network is almost like eating. All those stupid close-ups of beef stock make you feel like you're actually cooking. If I can't eat the homemade ice cream with toffee sauce, at least I can watch how it's done.

On a much less cynical note (really!) I am officially down 15 pounds! It's really hard to step back and appreciate how much I have accomplished thus far. After I hit my first plateau, I was really scared that I wasn't going to be able to lose anymore. Then I spoke to the nutritionist at my gym who basically told me I was eating crap, needed to lose a couple of "layers," and that 8 sessions with her would fix all that at a very reasonable sum of $495. So, discouraging. But now that I've hit -15, a safe distance away from -10, I know that this can keep working. I've noticed a difference in how my body looks, even without the help of a measuring tape. And even if I didn't lose any more weight (sob) I at least know I am much healthier than I was 2 months ago. I can work out harder and longer than I used to be able to, I make better food choices, and dagnabit, I feel better about myself.

Aside from all that self-love, I'm having a few friends over for dinner who haven't seen me in a few months. I'm hoping they notice. (15 pounds is 3 sacks of sugar, they better notice!)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Had two holy shit moments in one day.

1. I think I saw the beginnings of my collarbone. This has never happened in the history of ever.
2. Next Tuesday makes 8 weeks of this craziness. 8 weeks may not seem like a long time, but I'm pretty sure this classifies as the a. longest and b. most successful try in my life.

When I was around 11, my mother put me on a very extreme diet that lasted for the summer. I lost quite a bit of weight (30 pounds?) but I basically obsessed about food all the time because I wasn't allowed to have anything. Breakfast was toast. Lunch was an apple, 1 oz of pretzels, and a diet soda. Dinner was 3 oz of baked chicken and an ear of corn. For a whole summer, I basically starved. It couldn't last, and didn't. I haven't had a successful (more than a few weeks or a few pounds) since.

What kills me is I don't know why this time is different, I just know that it is. I can't question it, I just have to accept it.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I think diet pills should come with blunt warnings: Will make you drop dead of a heart attack at 21. Will make you shit yellow liquid. Will make you clean your bathroom grout with a Q-tip. Which isn't to say that I never tried it. I dropped a wad of cash on that metabolife, or whatever it was called, back in the day because I saw someone drop 300 pounds in 2 days and I was in for a quick fix. Of course, it did nothing and I stopped taking it because I was scared. Sucks to have to do it the old fashioned way.

Why can't the advice be simple? Eat this. Do that. You will lose weight. But there are all these conditions. Eat complex carbohydrates unless you can't. Do this much exercise unless it's a bad idea for you. Can't weight loss come in a nifty plastic package? Instead, I struggle to eat all my damn vegetables and I break weight loss rules all the time. I put real sugar in my coffee and I eat full fat cheese. I ate a piece of Baklava as big as your head the other day.

I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong. The fact that my pants are falling off me isn't enough; I may lose weight, but am I doing it the right way? Do I eat too much dairy, not enough protein, too much fat, not enough of the right fat? Do I exercise too much, not enough, not intense enough, not enough weight training? I can barely get myself to work with both shoes tied, how the hell am I supposed to remember all of these other rules for eating? That was what I thought about the least. Sure, I saw what the fat did (to my thighs, my stomach, my butt) but it was hard to connect it to the food. So now I try to eat the right food, but I feel like I've got 5 balls in the air and I'm only managing to juggle two of them. Right amount of calories, but I only eat 2 servings of veggies a day, not enough water, too much juice, or whatever it is I'm obsessing over. I should set down the balls, switch to a chainsaw, chop down a tree, make a bench, sit down and stop thinking about it so damn much.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

I'm on a (very) mini-vacation in NYC, which has been a lot of fun and offered a much needed respite from things. Last night, I had the most incredible dinner, and didn't count a single calorie. I refuse to feel guilty over this for two reasons: 1. I have not lost any weight for almost 2 weeks, and some (unconventional) advice is that you spend a day or two going over your calories in order to shock your system back into losing weight, and 2. I actually chose very "healthy" things to indulge on.

That being said, maybe I do feel guilty. Not guilty, but frightened. That this will be the beginning of the end, that I will start to slip up. I kept saying, "Oh, I don't give a damn, I'm going to eat anything I want." And of course I cared. Of course I cared. It didn't stop me from eating, though. And maybe the advice of eating more calories was just my excuse to eat whatever I wanted on vacation.

And maybe I should just shut up and realize that it is vacation, and that one day won't break me. I've spent the last 6 weeks developing better eating habits, and I should have just the tiniest bit of faith in myself.

Monday, March 10, 2008

On belts and brains

Your brain and stomach are in a relationship. For years, your stomach has been in charge, and always got it's way. Now your mind has taken control. But every once in a while, your stomach creeps in, and says in a tiny voice, "Can't I just have..." Your brain has to be the one who says, "SHUDDAP, BITCH! I'm in charge here!"

I love getting support like this! For some reason, it works so much better than the tired, "You're doing such a great job!" Of course, I told him that I was terrified that if I gave in to my stomach just once, that it would come roaring back like an angry husband. Because of course my stomach is the man of the house, and my brain is the barefoot and pregnant wife in the kitchen.

In general, it was just a really hard week. I did everything the way I was supposed to, ate right, exercised, and didn't lose a pound or an inch. Of course, my pants nearly fell off of me this morning, but that's small consolation. It just reminds me that I can't afford new pants! Really, I'm still planning on losing many, many more sizes, so I don't want to constantly buy a new pair every time I lose a size. I'd rather invest in a belt. Which would then get too big for me as well. Maybe I should just buy pants a size too small. For a month they would be too small, for a month they would be almost just right, for two weeks they would fit great, and then they would start to be too big, which I could probably live with for about a month. That would get me to the summer, when I can start to wear skirts! And then my skirts would all be too big.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

All right, I'm going to fake some pride in my accomplishments thus far. Fake it until you make it, right?

Today is the one month mark. I've lost 10 pounds, and 5 total inches off of my waist and hips. I've been going to the gym three times a week, and I stay within 100 calories of my goal 99% of the time. I typically wear a pair of pants that are too tight (because I didn't want to go up a size.) Those pants now fit, so I guess I can call that losing a size. I generally feel better/energized/healthier, and I've had one person notice that I've lost weight. Also, those random aches and pains that had started to creep in (which I was very much not telling anyone about because I didn't want to sound like an old lady) are now gone. Huzzah for feeling like my age again!

I'm also dying for a Snickers bar, but they never taste as good as you think they will, right?

Saturday, March 1, 2008

This has felt different from the beginning. I know that this time, I'm not going to fail. I don't know how I know that. I don't know where I was able to find the willpower that's been missing for so long. But it's here!

Sometimes, I just need to write the pep talk I need to hear, whether or not I believe it.

Totally got my first gym high today! Also saw someone from my high school, but I did not say hello. I don't think she recognized me, anyway. (It's the hair.)