Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I don't feel proud of myself when I think about how much weight I've lost. So why do I feel so disappointed when I don't lose any in the course of a week or two? How backwards is that? And really, how long is a week when compared to 6 months of hard work?

I've lost three pounds in three days (making up for lost time, I suppose) and I'm now holding steady at -34. Finally in the 150's! A milestone I would have done backflips for a year ago, and now I'm still thinking "too big, too big." Maybe satisfaction isn't even an option at this point. I want to stop calling myself as fat, I want to feel that others don't look at me and think fat. Don't know when that might be. What will have to happen before I realize that I look good?

I know I don't like my body, but what if I just don't like myself, period? It's all pointing in that direction, anyway. Or maybe I just expected a bigger change in myself after losing so much--and that was expecting too much. Losing 34 pounds is great, but when you want to lose 30 more, maybe you're really only halfway there.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I have avoided writing because I didn't want to sound like a sorry sack of potatoes. Despite the physiological impossibility of it, the scale told me I was two pounds heavier. And I refused to acknowledge it until it went back where it was supposed to, which was today. So back at (or, if I'm in heavy denial, still at) -31. I know, water weight, blah blah blah and how much does that suck? Knowing you're doing everything right and nothing positive is happening? Even worse is someone telling you how great you look, and in your head you are berating yourself for not losing anything in over two weeks, and they're just trying to be nice. In other words, still crazy!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

5 month anniversary update (a few days early)

I ran my first mile! All the memories I have of middle school gym class involve burning lungs, not even rounding the first turn in the 1/4 mile track before slowing down, finishing last. Not a very fast mile, 13 minutes, but it's a place to start. So I'm happy! If terribly sore.

My MIL arrives tomorrow. I'm almost at my 150's goal, but not quite. Unless I lose a pound in the next 24 hours.

I think I got the best compliment of my life yesterday. "You've got a completely different body already." I like that. I am starting to like my body, just a little. Meaning, I look in the mirror and don't frown. I'm getting there.

31 pounds and 22 inches.