Thursday, October 30, 2008

I am so hard on myself. I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, and I haven't been able to go to the gym in all that time. Truth be told, I wasn't going as much as I would have liked in the few weeks before that, either. And even though I am still losing weight, it's just not enough anymore. Maybe because I am afraid that if I don't go to the gym, I won't be losing in the "right" way, and then all the weight could come back. Which is foolish--even if a few pounds were to come back, I would, um, NOTICE.

Want to hear something silly? I'm afraid that someone will stumble onto this blog, and read only the most recent entry, and assume I am one of those stick thin girls who think they are fat at 105. Which goes to show 1. my ultimate lack of faith in others and myself and 2. how strongly I still identify with my heavier self. Put me in a room full of people, I would stay as far away from the tall, thin girls as possible. Not that I've ever been tall, but I could maybe call myself thin, someday. Some people even call me thin now, but I'm just not there yet--still have 15 pounds I want to lose. Which brings me to this:

51 pounds gone! Yes, of course I am proud of that milestone. It's a lot. I've finally reached an amount where I can't try to convince myself that I haven't lost that much. 51 pounds is a lot.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I turn 26 tomorrow. I wanted to be 145 by my birthday (a present to myself, maybe) and I am. Less, actually--143. 48 pounds.

I found some old pictures from my birthday a few years ago, and I almost cried. What a difference. I might have a hard time seeing the changes in my body when I look in the mirror, but pictures can't lie.

I talked a big talk when I started this blog--"I won't fail" and all that. But I really thought I would fail. I have no idea how I got here. 8 months, 32 weeks, and so much has changed.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The last 10-20 pounds that you have to lose is the hardest. If you need to lose 40 pounds, and you lost the first 20 pounds in 3 months, it will take you twice as long (or even longer!) to lose the next 20, because you're so close to where your body wants you to be. Well, it was bound to happen. 19 pounds from my goal, and losing weight has slowed to a crawl. 3 weeks to lose 1 pound. At this rate, it will be another year before I'm finished. I wanted to be done by February! I should blame myself at least a little--I haven't been to the gym in what seems like forever. I'm letting my life get to me--I'm stressed out over my job, and when I come home I don't want to do anything, especially go to the gym. I wish I had someone to go with, or could come up with a new routine, or somehow rid myself of the feeling that everyone is watching me as I barely manage to lift a paltry amount of weight.

I should really just shut up already. 47 pounds in 8 months is about 1.5 pounds a week--that's a damn good clip. If it slows down, who cares, as long as it keeps coming off, right?