August was a really difficult month. Not because I didn't lose weight (I did, actually--I'm now at -43) but because I realize that even though my body has changed, my mind and thoughts have not. I might know that, logically, I cannot possibly look the same, and that my body has gone through some drastic changes. But emotionally, I can't understand it. I look the same. 148 looks the same as 191. Size 6 looks the same as a size 16. How is that even possible, that I can't notice the difference?

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, still thinking of myself as fat, even though by all accounts I am not. I really expected that once I lost enough weight, I would be able to feel different. Why else would I have done this? Believe me, weighing out 3 ounces of protein is not a fun activity. I did it for the end result! And here I am, probably 2/3 of the the way to my goal, and I feel the same!

There is an instant camaraderie I feel with any girl who is heavy. I always pick up on so many similarities between us. I still feel that way, but I've noticed...well, maybe they don't reciprocate any more. If they just met me, they can't know that just a few months ago I was that much heavier. They can't see what we used to have in common. But inside, I know I will always feel that somewhat illogical bond. Because even if I force myself to realize that I am not heavy anymore, I spent 20 years that way. And I will never forget what it feels like.