I think I originally started this blog as a way to keep myself on track. I'm so glad that I decided to do that, and stuck with it, because now I have some notes on what I was feeling during that incredible, life-changing year. Incredible because I still can't believe I did it. I think I stopped blogging for the most obvious reason--I didn't have anything else to say. The struggle, the actual losing, was over.

But, the struggle won't ever really be over. I still have to keep the weight off, of course. But the harder part is connecting the physical me with the mental me. I look at pictures of Beth Ditto and instantly I think of myself. Except that's not me anymore.

I've been reading a lot of "fat" blogs and articles lately, mostly about fat acceptance. It makes me feel guilty. I should have not tried to lose weight, but gone the much harder route and learned to be happy with my body. These women have done what I can't seem to do--love myself, no matter what.

I was told today that I have to stop losing weight because I am "disappearing." Which is nice, except that it makes me feel a little crazy to want to lose 10 more pounds. It's the belly, people! If the belly would just go away already. But let's be honest. My looks are making me unhappy with myself--there is no one reason why my self-esteem is so low. Just like I learned how to dislike myself, I will have to learn how to like myself. Hard? Hell yes. All the good qualities I have--that people tell me I have--don't feel like enough to make myself a person of worth, don't feel like the right qualities to possess. If I am X, Y, and Z, then I should be J, K, and M. Not L, though. L IS USELESS.

I've been having a rough week, obviously.

I'm at a point where I don't have much more "work" to do in terms of losing weight, but I am just at the beginning of the hardest part--appreciating my hard work.

It doesn't feel like hard work, to be honest. I guess that's a good thing--if it wasn't too hard to lose the weight, then it won't be too hard to keep it up. If I was crying and dragging my feet the whole way, I would just gain it all back, right? But since I've been reasonable, I'll be able to maintain what I've done.

Of course, losing weight was plenty difficult, and I earned my success, and I deserve to be proud. I'm just remembering all the times I tried to lose weight before. Why didn't it work? I'm just going to chalk it up towards my attitude. This time around, if I messed up and ate 5 cookies, I just let myself forget about it the next day. Didn't beat myself up and started fresh. Which was important, because I have a way of beating myself up (see previous entry if you don't believe that.)

The physical aspect of losing weight is mostly done, but I just don't "see" it. I wonder when it will finally click.

Yesterday was a year.

To be honest, I didn't write an entry because I am disappointed in myself, which is about as twisted as I can get. I didn't lose all the weight that I wanted in a year, so I failed. It hurts me to realize that's what I really believe. If losing 56 pounds in a year isn't enough, what will losing another 10 pounds do? That's right. Nothing. I won't ever be satisfied. Because I still think I'm fat. FAT IN A SIZE 6. What a ridiculous brain I have.

So, I made it through the holidays without gaining a pound. Ok, I probably gained a pound, but then I made damn sure I lost it! I am now -54. It's taken 2 months to lose 3 pounds, but I have been expecting it to slow down for some time. I have started to increase my calories because I find that I am hungry all the time (ALL THE TIME) and not eating enough isn't going to do me any favors in the weight loss department. That used to be counterintuitive to me, but no longer. Find where your body is happy calorically (and that can mean more!) and you will lose weight! Huzzah!

For financial reasons, I have decided to let my gym membership lapse. Yes, I was bored--so I am going to try something new. I have started walking with one friend once a week (which is all she can fit into her schedule for now) and I am going to use the gym at my place of employ two times a week (as they are new to the whole fitness game.) So, if I'm still bored when I get to hang out with my friends and sweat, well, I'll still have to keep going but at least it will be free!

Thinking more and more about going back to school to study nutrition. I know I have the right attitude, and my personal experience might be more inspirational to people than getting advice from someone who has always been stick thin would be. The one drawback is that I have absolutely no science background, so I would have to basically start at square one. But if I did end up going, I would probably be the most shocked of all. How can the fat girl be studying nutrition, and help people alter their diets to be more healthful? What time warp did I just wander into that I am even considering this?