Sunday, June 22, 2008

When am I going to feel proud of myself? If losing 30 pounds won't do it (and it's official as of today) what the hell will?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Finally lost! I hate the waiting game, so glad it's over, now I can keep plugging away.

Owner of the gym approached me again, asked how my weight loss was going. Still made me uncomfortable, like he might judge me based on how much I did or did not lose in the time since he asked me last. For the record, it was six weeks ago, and I've lost 7 pounds in that time. Totally a normal amount of weight to lose in six weeks. So my lack of rationality continues.

I used to be ashamed of my stretch marks. But that was when they were "new," when I was heavy and still gaining. They were a bright pink, and I thought they were my most noticible feature. I hated the ones on my arms the most, since they were the ones people were most likely to notice, as I didn't (still don't) wear shorts. By now, they have faded to pale. Unless you're looking, you won't find them. I have them all over, and I know they won't go away just by losing weight. I won't lie, I still don't like them. But they've been around for so long, I just think of it as the texture of my skin. This is what my skin has always looked like; why would it look any different when I drop, 10, 20, 80 pounds?

I have never "held my weight" in my face, as they say. I've lost all this weight, and I still look the same when I brush my teeth in the morning. I'm wondering how different I will look when I'm close to my goal. Maybe I don't expect any difference at all.

Friday, June 6, 2008

It's my four month anniversary with my self-improvement project. I may have lost weight and gotten healthier, but I am still completely off my rocker.

Towards the end of May, I dropped 3 pounds in a week. No explanation, with nothing I could trace it back to. I should have been so happy, and of course, I was. But, I have been holding steady at this weight for almost 2 weeks. I REALLY HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS. Any past success means squat when held against the fact that I haven't lost any weight again this week.

I'm doing what I can of course, which means I can do almost nothing. I am planning on going to the gym 5 times this week instead of my customary 4, and I'm bumping up my cardio from 45 minutes to an hour. Also, I promise I will actually lift some weights instead of just thinking, Oh, how nice that they have those here. I should really life some weights! and then leaving.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I keep turning one fact over and over in my head: I have no idea how much I should weigh. I'm five feet tall, so according to the doctors' charts, it's anywhere between 95 and 125 pounds. It looks ridiculous when I type it like that. 95 pounds is ridiculous.

I've never been an adult and been a healthy weight. How can I possibly gauge this?

I don't know how to let this go. How can I back off from having a specific number as a "success"? Why can't I just say, get to 125 and you'll see?