How cool would it be to say, "I've lost 50 pounds"? 50 is the kind of number no one can argue with. 50 means business. 50 would put me at 141. I know a part of me thought I would have to get some kind of wasting disease to ever see that number. But here I am, sitting pretty at -39, just a stone's throw away! 39 is inviting 50 over for tea!

I am trying to be as positive as I can. I've been beating myself up lately, and I shouldn't. The people around me are pretty divided--half think I'm amazing, the other half think I must be starving myself. It's hard, because I would like to stop, in a way. I want to stop thinking about it, and just know that I am healthy. But I know I'm not as healthy as I could be, so it continues.

I am also a little scared, maybe, to see how far I could go. Not weight-wise, oddly enough. But, if I can wear an 8 now, I could certainly wear a 6 someday. Could I ever wear a 2? I don't think I would want to. But, if I get to 125, and a 4 is what fits, what then? Something about 4 sounds too skinny! How crazy would it be to say, "I'm too skinny" instead of "I'm too fat"?

6 months

Uh, what? 6 months? Seriously?

I suppose my lack of posts can be seen as good. This isn't in the foreground of my life as much, my eating habits are just part of the whole instead of what I focus on. Well, I do still focus on them a lot, and I still probably talk about it too much, but I feel very stable. Like I won't just start eating cake. And so, less posts because there is less to post about.

-37 today! -40 looks like so much more than -30. And in 5 more pounds, I will be in the 140's. CRAZY.

People tell me I look "amazing" and that I don't need to lose a lot more. I don't know when to stop! Taking into account that:

--I still have a (fairly prominent!) belly and
--My BMI is still in the obese range (To be fair, one more pound and I will just be "overweight." What a milestone that is.)
--How much muscle I have (not much, feels like) and
--How big my bones are (small, I think, except for maybe my enormous hips!)

Conversely, however:
--I am somewhere in the size 8-10 range for pants, unless they come from a store that is generally micromini/refuses to sell pants that sit at the damn waist instead of below. (And anyway, no one is looking at the label but me, says What Not To Wear.)
--I don't want to lose all the junk in my trunk!

I probably have another 30 to go? Which was my original goal, and will put me at the high end of normal for BMI. But 30 pounds isn't any where near to "don't need to lose a lot more." And, if I say I want to lose 5 more inches on my waist (and I've lost about 10 so far) basic algebra tells me I need to lose half the amount of pounds I've already lost. So, 18 pounds, not 30. But 18 pounds is 136, which is still overweight BMI! GRRRRRRRR.

Basically, confusion still reigns. But, I would like to admit, that this is a pretty nice problem to have.