I don't feel proud of myself when I think about how much weight I've lost. So why do I feel so disappointed when I don't lose any in the course of a week or two? How backwards is that? And really, how long is a week when compared to 6 months of hard work?

I've lost three pounds in three days (making up for lost time, I suppose) and I'm now holding steady at -34. Finally in the 150's! A milestone I would have done backflips for a year ago, and now I'm still thinking "too big, too big." Maybe satisfaction isn't even an option at this point. I want to stop calling myself as fat, I want to feel that others don't look at me and think fat. Don't know when that might be. What will have to happen before I realize that I look good?

I know I don't like my body, but what if I just don't like myself, period? It's all pointing in that direction, anyway. Or maybe I just expected a bigger change in myself after losing so much--and that was expecting too much. Losing 34 pounds is great, but when you want to lose 30 more, maybe you're really only halfway there.

I have avoided writing because I didn't want to sound like a sorry sack of potatoes. Despite the physiological impossibility of it, the scale told me I was two pounds heavier. And I refused to acknowledge it until it went back where it was supposed to, which was today. So back at (or, if I'm in heavy denial, still at) -31. I know, water weight, blah blah blah and how much does that suck? Knowing you're doing everything right and nothing positive is happening? Even worse is someone telling you how great you look, and in your head you are berating yourself for not losing anything in over two weeks, and they're just trying to be nice. In other words, still crazy!

5 month anniversary update (a few days early)

I ran my first mile! All the memories I have of middle school gym class involve burning lungs, not even rounding the first turn in the 1/4 mile track before slowing down, finishing last. Not a very fast mile, 13 minutes, but it's a place to start. So I'm happy! If terribly sore.

My MIL arrives tomorrow. I'm almost at my 150's goal, but not quite. Unless I lose a pound in the next 24 hours.

I think I got the best compliment of my life yesterday. "You've got a completely different body already." I like that. I am starting to like my body, just a little. Meaning, I look in the mirror and don't frown. I'm getting there.

31 pounds and 22 inches.

When am I going to feel proud of myself? If losing 30 pounds won't do it (and it's official as of today) what the hell will?

Finally lost! I hate the waiting game, so glad it's over, now I can keep plugging away.

Owner of the gym approached me again, asked how my weight loss was going. Still made me uncomfortable, like he might judge me based on how much I did or did not lose in the time since he asked me last. For the record, it was six weeks ago, and I've lost 7 pounds in that time. Totally a normal amount of weight to lose in six weeks. So my lack of rationality continues.


I used to be ashamed of my stretch marks. But that was when they were "new," when I was heavy and still gaining. They were a bright pink, and I thought they were my most noticible feature. I hated the ones on my arms the most, since they were the ones people were most likely to notice, as I didn't (still don't) wear shorts. By now, they have faded to pale. Unless you're looking, you won't find them. I have them all over, and I know they won't go away just by losing weight. I won't lie, I still don't like them. But they've been around for so long, I just think of it as the texture of my skin. This is what my skin has always looked like; why would it look any different when I drop, 10, 20, 80 pounds?

I have never "held my weight" in my face, as they say. I've lost all this weight, and I still look the same when I brush my teeth in the morning. I'm wondering how different I will look when I'm close to my goal. Maybe I don't expect any difference at all.

It's my four month anniversary with my self-improvement project. I may have lost weight and gotten healthier, but I am still completely off my rocker.

Towards the end of May, I dropped 3 pounds in a week. No explanation, with nothing I could trace it back to. I should have been so happy, and of course, I was. But, I have been holding steady at this weight for almost 2 weeks. I REALLY HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS. Any past success means squat when held against the fact that I haven't lost any weight again this week.

I'm doing what I can of course, which means I can do almost nothing. I am planning on going to the gym 5 times this week instead of my customary 4, and I'm bumping up my cardio from 45 minutes to an hour. Also, I promise I will actually lift some weights instead of just thinking, Oh, how nice that they have those here. I should really life some weights! and then leaving.

I keep turning one fact over and over in my head: I have no idea how much I should weigh. I'm five feet tall, so according to the doctors' charts, it's anywhere between 95 and 125 pounds. It looks ridiculous when I type it like that. 95 pounds is ridiculous.

I've never been an adult and been a healthy weight. How can I possibly gauge this?

I don't know how to let this go. How can I back off from having a specific number as a "success"? Why can't I just say, get to 125 and you'll see?