When am I going to feel proud of myself? If losing 30 pounds won't do it (and it's official as of today) what the hell will?

Finally lost! I hate the waiting game, so glad it's over, now I can keep plugging away.

Owner of the gym approached me again, asked how my weight loss was going. Still made me uncomfortable, like he might judge me based on how much I did or did not lose in the time since he asked me last. For the record, it was six weeks ago, and I've lost 7 pounds in that time. Totally a normal amount of weight to lose in six weeks. So my lack of rationality continues.


I used to be ashamed of my stretch marks. But that was when they were "new," when I was heavy and still gaining. They were a bright pink, and I thought they were my most noticible feature. I hated the ones on my arms the most, since they were the ones people were most likely to notice, as I didn't (still don't) wear shorts. By now, they have faded to pale. Unless you're looking, you won't find them. I have them all over, and I know they won't go away just by losing weight. I won't lie, I still don't like them. But they've been around for so long, I just think of it as the texture of my skin. This is what my skin has always looked like; why would it look any different when I drop, 10, 20, 80 pounds?

I have never "held my weight" in my face, as they say. I've lost all this weight, and I still look the same when I brush my teeth in the morning. I'm wondering how different I will look when I'm close to my goal. Maybe I don't expect any difference at all.

It's my four month anniversary with my self-improvement project. I may have lost weight and gotten healthier, but I am still completely off my rocker.

Towards the end of May, I dropped 3 pounds in a week. No explanation, with nothing I could trace it back to. I should have been so happy, and of course, I was. But, I have been holding steady at this weight for almost 2 weeks. I REALLY HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS. Any past success means squat when held against the fact that I haven't lost any weight again this week.

I'm doing what I can of course, which means I can do almost nothing. I am planning on going to the gym 5 times this week instead of my customary 4, and I'm bumping up my cardio from 45 minutes to an hour. Also, I promise I will actually lift some weights instead of just thinking, Oh, how nice that they have those here. I should really life some weights! and then leaving.

I keep turning one fact over and over in my head: I have no idea how much I should weigh. I'm five feet tall, so according to the doctors' charts, it's anywhere between 95 and 125 pounds. It looks ridiculous when I type it like that. 95 pounds is ridiculous.

I've never been an adult and been a healthy weight. How can I possibly gauge this?

I don't know how to let this go. How can I back off from having a specific number as a "success"? Why can't I just say, get to 125 and you'll see?

I am writing about this because I feel is it a milestone. I am honestly not that excited about it, which is so horribly sad. Haven't quite figured out why I'm not excited, but I'll ruminate and let you know if I come up with anything. Maybe because I have such a long way to go.

I bought a new pair of work pants on Wednesday. Get ready: a size 10! I am not delusional, however. I know that I could never wear a size 10 at the Gap, it's just these particular pants happen to be a very big 10. So they fit, and there will be no argument from me. That's 3 sizes for 26 pounds. (But I keep thinking that I could lose another 15 pounds, and still be a size 10. Unchartered territory, really. We'll see!)

MIL is coming in five weeks for the 4th of July. I would so love to be in the 150's by then. Just six more pounds in five weeks. It might be a bit much, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

I have not fallen off the wagon. So, why do I feel like I have? Well, probably because I'm not being nearly as disciplined as I was at the beginning. My new mantra is "You can't live life in a vacuum" but maybe that's just an excuse to let myself slide.

What constitutes a slide? Not going to the gym as often. Ok, going from 4 times a week to 3 may not seem like a big deal, but I honestly feel terrible about it. I give it all sorts of excuses: have a headache, want to spend time with Matt, got out of work late, etc. That's fine every once in a while, but 3 weeks in a row? I've got to get my ass in gear.

I've also been eating out ALL THE TIME. Not that it constitutes a slip-up per se, but I can only guesstimate how many calories or fat grams are in something. So who knows how much I'm lying to myself?

I really, really shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am thisclose to -25. Can't I just shut the hell up and celebrate?

My husband and I joined the gym together almost three months ago now. He hasn't been as faithful about going as I have, but he is a. in much better shape and doesn't need to lose a pound, and b. he has been sick/injured for the past few weeks or so. Anyway, it's good because it's gotten me into a routine where I go with or without him.

Last night, he finally feels well enough to go. We're working out on machines side by side, and the owner of the gym comes up to say hello. (Aside: This is one reason why I love having a membership at a smaller gym. It might be a few more bucks every month, but it is so worth it.) He asks us how things are going, and Matt tells him that I've lost twenty pounds. The guy congratulates me, asks me to write something for a testimonial board he's going to put up, etc. All really good things.

Totally freaked me out, ruined my mood for a few hours. I tried to figure out why, and what I've come up with is that I don't know how to take compliments, especially ones that are based on how I look. This goes back as far as I can remember--4th grade, boy tells me he likes my shirt, and I ask him if he's lying. You know, "You have such a pretty face, if only you'd lose some weight." I'd like to say this is all in the past, but my family (not realizing it, of course) still treats me this way. I can handle a compliment much better when it comes from someone I know (my husband, my friends) but even though I have a peripheral relationship with the gym owner, I was still really wary. I mean, how hard is it to believe that the owner of the gym where I work out would be happy for my weight loss, especially since it might in a small way benefit him? I am obviously crazy.