Monday, September 15, 2008

My body is changing, and I don't like it. When I was fat, at least it was "firm." Obviously not tone, but my skin my taut. Now my stomach looks like it's caving in on itself. The body is receding too fast for the skin to handle. I'm a ripple of tiny ridges of skin. I like what this stands for, but it's a horrible in between stage. Maybe it's just another sign that I might never be satisfied. Or maybe I just need to get my ass to the gym and do more situps.

A small confession: my goal was always 125. I thought that I might even stop before I got there, depending. But now, seeing my shape now, I feel I might have to lose more. What should be a logical adjustment of goals is terrifying. If I go below 125, am I going to far? Am I kidding myself that this is possible? When I started this in February, I didn't put any expectations on myself. Sure, I wanted to lose weight, but 125 was too far away to think about--66 pounds away. Now, 125 is reachable. Hell, it's almost here, unless I revert entirely to my old habits.

I am happiest when I have a project. I don't know how to relax. I threw myself into this project completely, and when it's over, what do I do then?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

August was a really difficult month. Not because I didn't lose weight (I did, actually--I'm now at -43) but because I realize that even though my body has changed, my mind and thoughts have not. I might know that, logically, I cannot possibly look the same, and that my body has gone through some drastic changes. But emotionally, I can't understand it. I look the same. 148 looks the same as 191. Size 6 looks the same as a size 16. How is that even possible, that I can't notice the difference?

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, still thinking of myself as fat, even though by all accounts I am not. I really expected that once I lost enough weight, I would be able to feel different. Why else would I have done this? Believe me, weighing out 3 ounces of protein is not a fun activity. I did it for the end result! And here I am, probably 2/3 of the the way to my goal, and I feel the same!

There is an instant camaraderie I feel with any girl who is heavy. I always pick up on so many similarities between us. I still feel that way, but I've noticed...well, maybe they don't reciprocate any more. If they just met me, they can't know that just a few months ago I was that much heavier. They can't see what we used to have in common. But inside, I know I will always feel that somewhat illogical bond. Because even if I force myself to realize that I am not heavy anymore, I spent 20 years that way. And I will never forget what it feels like.