Friday, May 30, 2008

I am writing about this because I feel is it a milestone. I am honestly not that excited about it, which is so horribly sad. Haven't quite figured out why I'm not excited, but I'll ruminate and let you know if I come up with anything. Maybe because I have such a long way to go.

I bought a new pair of work pants on Wednesday. Get ready: a size 10! I am not delusional, however. I know that I could never wear a size 10 at the Gap, it's just these particular pants happen to be a very big 10. So they fit, and there will be no argument from me. That's 3 sizes for 26 pounds. (But I keep thinking that I could lose another 15 pounds, and still be a size 10. Unchartered territory, really. We'll see!)

MIL is coming in five weeks for the 4th of July. I would so love to be in the 150's by then. Just six more pounds in five weeks. It might be a bit much, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

Friday, May 23, 2008

I have not fallen off the wagon. So, why do I feel like I have? Well, probably because I'm not being nearly as disciplined as I was at the beginning. My new mantra is "You can't live life in a vacuum" but maybe that's just an excuse to let myself slide.

What constitutes a slide? Not going to the gym as often. Ok, going from 4 times a week to 3 may not seem like a big deal, but I honestly feel terrible about it. I give it all sorts of excuses: have a headache, want to spend time with Matt, got out of work late, etc. That's fine every once in a while, but 3 weeks in a row? I've got to get my ass in gear.

I've also been eating out ALL THE TIME. Not that it constitutes a slip-up per se, but I can only guesstimate how many calories or fat grams are in something. So who knows how much I'm lying to myself?

I really, really shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am thisclose to -25. Can't I just shut the hell up and celebrate?

Friday, May 2, 2008

My husband and I joined the gym together almost three months ago now. He hasn't been as faithful about going as I have, but he is a. in much better shape and doesn't need to lose a pound, and b. he has been sick/injured for the past few weeks or so. Anyway, it's good because it's gotten me into a routine where I go with or without him.

Last night, he finally feels well enough to go. We're working out on machines side by side, and the owner of the gym comes up to say hello. (Aside: This is one reason why I love having a membership at a smaller gym. It might be a few more bucks every month, but it is so worth it.) He asks us how things are going, and Matt tells him that I've lost twenty pounds. The guy congratulates me, asks me to write something for a testimonial board he's going to put up, etc. All really good things.

Totally freaked me out, ruined my mood for a few hours. I tried to figure out why, and what I've come up with is that I don't know how to take compliments, especially ones that are based on how I look. This goes back as far as I can remember--4th grade, boy tells me he likes my shirt, and I ask him if he's lying. You know, "You have such a pretty face, if only you'd lose some weight." I'd like to say this is all in the past, but my family (not realizing it, of course) still treats me this way. I can handle a compliment much better when it comes from someone I know (my husband, my friends) but even though I have a peripheral relationship with the gym owner, I was still really wary. I mean, how hard is it to believe that the owner of the gym where I work out would be happy for my weight loss, especially since it might in a small way benefit him? I am obviously crazy.